so i started back to school this fall. i am taking an english class (thats focus is essay writing), and i really like my teacher. shes got a great way of pulling people out of their shells and getting them (or at least me) to write. shes super funny and really cares about writing. she wants the best for us all and is willing to do anything to make sure that we get something out of this class. shes genuine.
now as some people know, matthew you are one of them, writing has got me running scared. well not the writing part so much. its the sharing my writing with other people part that really has me trippin.
i mean, i have always kept a hand written journal. from as far back as i could remember. but its nothing that i have ever shared. maybe ive read a couple things here and there to my grandmother, but i have never pondered having a reader. ive just only always written for myself to release. ive written for personal developement. writing as if i know that someone else is going to read it, puts a whole new spin on writing. its a whole other ball of wax.
all through the first class, i had butterflies. we talked about what was expecetd in the semester. did a prompt writing excercise, which i feel like i blew. but i did it. right? right!

through the whole 2nd class, which was tonight, i also had butterflies. and at the same time i felt engaged.

we were discussing the paper thats due in a week, and what its requirements are. its not a normal essay, its a more fun one, where you get to be a little more creative, and play with the words and sentences more. there are 7 things that have to be included. one of them is run-on sentences. (also known as labyrinthine sentence...oddly a little close to my recent summer virus labrynthitis.) arent these great words? i mean, im learning so much, its great.
anyway, people were confused with how to write one, so we did an test one. melissa picked the topic. tell us about your earliest childhood memory in a run on sentence.
we all scribbled. i felt a little adrenaline while i was writing, but i kicked out a memory in a run on sentence.
and im not sure what happened. but suddenly, after being very very scared to read anything outloud as several other had already done in this and the previous class, i wanted to share.
i meekly reaised my hand, and was called on.
i read my run on sentence. my voice was shaky and broken. i was so very nervous. i finished the sentence.
i looked up, and everyone in the class was clapping.
i still cant believe it.
im like in shock about this.
it feels great to get good feedback, i hope that i can handle taking constuctive criticism.

anyway...maybe when im not sure tired, and after i get bcak from camping, ill type in the sentence and see what you guys think.
for now though, i gotta finish packing and get some sleep man.
night

Current Mood: shocked

I need to really get motivated, and get committed to getting back in shape. and by that i mean...just getting balanced again. my body, my mind, my spirit. i have been so inactive, and eating poorly more frequently. i know that i was ill, and that i really still recooperating yet, but still. i feel just unhealthy and not balanced. i want to feel energized, and light. strong and curious.

my hope is that once school starts, NEXT WEEK, eek. i will ride my bike to school, even in the shitty weather, which i really think will help my overall feeling.

AND my plan is to go dancing this weekend, i have gone this whole summer with no dacnig practically. so it will be nice when i feel safe soing it again and can do out for a whole night. i cant be getting that old, can i?!

xo

so, life is about to get very busy for me. and timely too, as i am just getting over what has been the scariest illness i have ever had.

labyrnthitis. i am finally gaining my balance back. i have been seeing a vertigo specialist, doing special yoga exercises, and even getting some cranio-sacral work to help. i am making a quicker than usual recovery, according to everything that i have read about this "virus". the doctors cant tell me anything about it, which is frustrating. they cant tell you where you got it, or how. they cant tell you how it is transmitted or if it even is. they can only name the symptoms. and link them with an obvious inner ear disturbance.
anyway, i have waited it out and am finally recovering. i have started riding my bike again, and am doing yoga at just about full speed again. i have yet to go dancing, but as soon as i can do a full head pan without feeling a little dizzy, ill be doing that too.
now, the reason why my recovery is happening in such a timely way....
i start back to school this fall. 2 classes a week, plus yoga, plus working full time, plus possibly being on the board at the coop in my neighborhood. (i have a meeting this week to find out more about the position and what it entails) whoa. jackson. lol
i am excited about school though! i will be taking english and sociology this semester. english should be a great segway (sp?) into a creative writing class, and i cant wait for that! i am currently in school for whats known as a 2 year liberal arts degree, which is just getting generals out of the way, so that you can focus on your major. but i feel the longer i am in school, the closer i am going to be gravitating toward a major in social work and minor in women studies. i do think alot about doing nutritional therapy, like helping people get on a better diet for themselves coupled with some kind of counseling, but i am not sure how that would manifest yet. then there is the store! (the gift/flower/w/ wrapping counter that i want to open at some point in life)
i have so many interests in life! how can i just narrow it down to one thing? decisions pain me sometimes.

on another subject, i got my hair cut yesterday....2 inches and a few layters put in....its weird...i have these little mini bang type things....haha anyone who knows me is going to be like WTF?! i always have just all one length hair with no kind of style or anything going on. maybe a braid or something, but nothing fancy. im a walking contradiction somedays i swear. unshaven legs, but painted toes. unshaven armpits, but full face makeup. ha....well...some things are not worth the time and energy. i guess i just work with what i got. somebody somewhere someday will get it, and adore me for me. :)

i am going out for brunch with my aunt, Chandira who is in town from oregon for this whole week. and im soo excited to see her! it has been 5 years since we have spent any time together. she used to babysit me all the time when i was a little girl, she is more like a sister to me really. but i have missed her around here. she and i are so like minded, shes like the only family member i have who gets it. i am also taking her to my yoga class on monday night, so that will be fun too.

i know i said i was going to write more and i havent really been very good about making that happen on a regular, but it takes time to develop a new habit. still doin it though. :)

i need to learn how to get some pictures up on here for me replys....next steps :)

shawna faith

So my birthday was good all things considered.

It started with a phone call, just as i woke up, pulling me bed to answer the call. i looked at the clock, 06.41am. it was my beloved Grandmother, Mary at 06.41 am. i answered the phone "hello?" she says "am i the first?" im like "well gramma your always the first, and besides its 641 AM im pretty sure no one else would dare call me at the hour, birthday or no birthday." we talked, and laughed, she told me a story about how she remembered my mom when she was pregnant with me. how scared she was, how young she was (my mom had me when she was 19) how innocent she was. my gramma told me how much she loved me, and how special i am. we always argue over who loves the other more at the end of the conversation :) shes so cute. we hung up and i was on my way to work...
ya know how ya just feel a little different on your bday? like..just kinna uplifted and cheery. well i had that all day. my coworkers had cupcakes for us (there is a nother woman who works in the office who i share a birthday with..shes 31 years my senior and a beautiful, light, healthy soul) my boss gave me a birthday hug, which was so nice. how many bosses do you have in life that you can actually hug?!

I need to finish this later...but don't know how to do it as a draft...so im just going to post this for now and finish it later tonight...

Current Location: work
Current Mood: sleepy

deja, i took the test on your page. what do you know? im the high one! :) my grandmother always did call me the queen..haha

You scored as II - The High Priestess. The High Priestess is a card of intuition, instinct and hidden knowledge. She knows all your secrets, you can hide nothing from her. Yet you will never know the secrets she herself protects.If well aspected in a Tarot spread, this card can indicate the use of intuition to solve problems; trust to your instincts. If badly aspected, it can mean suppression and ignoring of such instincts - following your head at the expense of your heart. </td> III - The Empress 88% VIII - Strength 88% II - The High Priestess 88% XI: Justice 75% XVI: The Tower 75% XIX: The Sun 69% XIII: Death 69% I - Magician 63% 0 - The Fool 50% X - Wheel of Fortune 44% XV: The Devil 38% IV - The Emperor 31% VI: The Lovers 13% Which Major Arcana Tarot Card Are You? created with QuizFarm.com

i spent the day with my 14 year old sister, dj.

we hopped in the car and drove uptown, now that i can drive again. i picked up a new pair of supercute shades, and she tried to sell some clothes, which didnt end up working out.
it just seemed that no matter what we did, or where we went, we were just bored. and it was so hot outside that we couldnt be in it...we had to find something to do that was inside.

finally it surfaced that she hadnt seem the tupac documentary. ya know the mtv one told in his own words. so we went to rent it, only the place that we rented it from only had it on VHS. we grabbed it and tried it on my VCR, which wouldnt play it. everytime i would put in a vid, the motor would make this awful worbling (is that a word?) sound. the VCR (that i bought with my tax return in 1994 and was so proud of at that time) died. no more vhs form here on out. i guess its time for me to officially enter the 20th century. well ok...maybe not untill i replace the tape deck that is in my car. haha but im on my way there....
anyway, we went and grabbed the dvd from a another, less disirable vid rental store (i like to support local business at every oppurtunity, i hate lining some fucking corporations pocket when i could be helping my neighbor pay his store rent) came home and watched it. it was great, my sister loved it. its so awesome that her and i have such a great connection, even with us having a 12 year age difference. we are so like minded. and shes so good. so much better than i was at her age. i am soo proud of her for so many different reasons.

anyway, watching that movie got my head wheels spinning. humanity is an odd strange thing. why does being arrogant seem like so much fun? why cant we resist that which we KNOW is wrong? we consciously choose things that are not good for us, the people around us, or the planet on which we live. why? are we so arrogant and self centered that we cant see how our actions affect?
the need for money and power is ruling peoples lives. it's controlling minds, hearts and perspectives in this life. is there no room for love? honor? being a good person? doing the right thing? or does fear really win? tupac said that in the game of love vs fear...that fear wins! that all the loving he ever did never got him anywhere. i just cant belive it. i REFUSE to believe that loving gets you nowhere.
giving into fear is a fucking cop out! it is what is easy. it takes courage to love. and those who give it and recieve it are to be commended.

love is the only way.

we just have to start loving more. teaching it, practicing it, sharing it, giving it, receiving it. love needs to be a part of everything that we do in this life. i dont see whats so hard about it.

tonight i am feeling lofty and unsettled, filled with questions, that will go un answered .

Current Mood: contemplative

August 4, 2005. I have been so scattered, that I just realized I hadn’t turn the calendar on the wall to august yet. and we were 4 days into it already. The calendar says “your real treasure is your ability to love.” its true. We all need to love better.

I have decided to start writing more. I want to write about my life. My experiences. My thoughts, views, opinioins. my feelings. how things look, how they seem. Freely. From my heart and mind, from the truth of all that I believe. To document. To learn. And to teach. I want to feel proud.

-----------------------------------------------------

So I wrote that almost a year ago. and i havent written anything since then. other than emails and communications. this is something that i keep talking about, but dont sit down and give time to. well im doing it. starting now. no matter how scared i am, no matter how much i think i cant do it. the only thing stopping me is myself. so im changing it.
i went out for lunch today with a new freind, who asked me..."what is stopping you from writing?" i have so many hangups with it, but when i stop and listen to myself say that reasons why....they all sound so lame. thats when i realized, its all stuff that i have been creating. so only i can change those things. this is the beginning of that change.
it took me so long to get this damn profile (and im still not happy with it, but at least its open now) together that im now super tired. but once my mind is more alert, its on.
on my page, i will stream consciousness. i will attempt poetry, maybe even lyrics for songs, angry babble, happy stuff and more.i
i joined this site because it seems like the place to write without judgement. and i may even solicit feedback from time to time.

so here i am :)

let the writing begin!

good night.